A Comprehensive Guide on How to Survive My House

Life out here is not life as we, at home in the UK, know it. I have therefore decided to write a Comprehensive Survival Guide for all of my followers, in case the pain of missing me becomes too much and you have to fly to Ghana and my eagerly awaiting arms. (If you are actually going to take this course of action, bring me a Mars Bar).

• When approaching the house, take care of the goats. They're normally standing around on large piles of sand looking rather startled about how they got up there. They get down by hurling themselves off the top of the piles with gay abandon; don't get in the way of it.
  

• As you step into the hallway of the house, don't walk anywhere straight away- you've got to give your eyes about thirty seconds to adjust to the gloom after the brightness of the sun. The fact that I came in at three in the afternoon last week to encounter a very confused bat swooping up and down the corridor should illustrate how extreme the change is. Don't worry if there are bats; they won't crash into you.
  

• Do not walk straight into the shower, ESPECIALLY after dark. Carefully push open the door and make a preliminary scan of the room for cockroaches. They are normally around 5cm long, so easy enough to spot, but it is imperative that you don't tread on them. When crushed their eggs are released everywhere. Make sure you check the corners of the room for frogs; treading on them isn't much fun either.

• If the bathroom is clear, proceed. If there are frogs, chase them out and around the corner into the garage. If there are cockroaches, only an industrial spray of Deet will take them down. Check the back of the door for cockroaches- they're the same colour as the wood, so look CAREFULLY before you hang your towel or dressing gown up. Keep an eye on the cracks in the wall while showering in case anything else emerges.
  

• The toilet should also be treated with extreme caution after dark. As with the shower, make another preliminary sweep; in this room you are more likely to encounter large spiders than cockroaches. They particularly enjoy hiding on the inside of the toilet roll- BE AWARE of this!
  

• Before opening the bedroom door, bash it a couple of times to alert the mice to the fact that you are coming in.
  

• Before going to sleep at night, use plastic bags or used water sachets to stuff all the gaps in the doorframe and between the walls and ceiling. This makes it more difficult for the mice to get inside.
  

• If, however, the mice find a way in, or you inadvertently barricaded the little bastards in with you when you blocked the room up, there are several available options open to you.

1. Ignore them and go to sleep. They normally eat the paint off the doorframe, which makes an irritating scratching sound, but if you can get past that, they shouldn't be too much of a problem.
   
2. Try to TAKE THE BUGGERS DOWN! Here is my tried and tested method;
   

• lie very quietly with a torch in your hand, and several Heavy Objects nearby. Listen very carefully to the scratching, and make as close a guess as you can to where the mouse is.
  
• Once you think you have located the mouse, sit up as fast as you can, and simultaneously beam the torch and hurl the Heavy Object in the appropriate direction. For added effect, throw in a kamikaze-style yell;
  

YEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!

• So far I have never been able to actually hit any mice through this method, but My Roomie and I, aided by 'An Utterly Impartial History Of Britain' lent to us by The Scientist, did manage to chase a one out of the room last night.

• Be very careful of the electric fan unless you have a comprehensive knowledge of how live wires should be inserted into a plug socket. My Roomie and I have suffered multiple electrocutions for the sake of a gentle breeze.
  

• Be prepared for numerous power cuts, particularly during the rainstorms. Followers should also note that rainstorms will often result in the bedroom being completely flooded. If there are any signs of rain, you MUST remember to close the windows. Store all electrical appliances on top of suitcases, beds or chairs, to avoid further electrocution.
  

Aside from this, there's not much more advice I can think of at the moment. The sun has been masked by a faint haze ever since the weekend. I'm experimenting with skipping workouts instead of my early morning jogging, and bringing jazz dance out onto the front porch for the amusement of the local children in the evening. We are gearing up for our big Travelling Experience over the next six to eight weeks. My garbled Twi constantly amuses the community; but despite my pasty exterior making me stick out like a sore thumb, I feel like I belong here.

This is my place now.